Anger as Your Ally

Embracing a mindful approach to healthy anger

Dear Friend,

I’ve heard from so many of you who lately feel like life is extra challenging. There’s so much happening in the external world and tensions feel like they’re at an all time high. For those of you who are feeling this way, please know you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with you! I’m right there with you. Lately I’ve found myself extra overwhelmed by life and the perpetual processing of the emotions that come along with it. 

A few months ago I had a session with a healer who brought up the topic of anger to me. In our session she suggested I dive into how I express anger, especially for events that happened long ago and explore my relationship with this emotion. I noticed that even though I know deeply the importance of feeling all feelings, I do tend to suppress anger. Whether it’s out of shame, fear of judgment, or wanting to stay small, I’ve realized that my anger needs to be felt in a timely and healthy manner. 

Since this revelation I’ve noticed my tendencies to still shy away from feeling anger, and it’s been a practice for me to allow it to show up and move through me! 

This week on Barb Knows Best, my mom and I dive deeper into the topic of anger and share our personal stories and experiences of how pushing this emotion away has impacted both of our lives. We share insights we learned from our personal healing journeys along with ways to express, acknowledge, and feel anger.

I really enjoyed recording this episode and found it to be super cathartic and healing in sharing these experiences. If any of this conversation resonates with you, take this as a signal to start to explore your own relationship with anger. Do you let yourself feel it when circumstances provoke the emotion? Do you allow yourself to speak your truth and stand up for yourself? Do you hold on to judgments and self-criticisms for feeling these feelings? And why?

Though I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself an “angry” person, I’ve realized that I’ve been holding onto a lot of unexpressed anger throughout my life. Events from childhood and beyond, unprocessed, have definitely built up inside of me. With this awareness, I wish to transform my relationship with this emotion. Rather than pushing aside, I intend to be present to it, in the moment, and not judge myself in the process. I am seeking to find the courage to speak my truth when called to do so, and stand up for myself when I feel wronged. I know that this is a practice, and in every moment that I engage in this new sense of self-confidence I build this muscle.

Anger doesn’t have to be bad and scary. Unexpressed and unprocessed anger is what breeds discomfort and dysfunction. If you, too, are feeling called to re-examine your relationship with anger, here are three tips I’ve found helpful along the way.

1. Remember it’s important to feel all feelings. 

If you’re like me and tend to shy away from feeling anger, remember that it, too, is an emotion worthy of our attention. The simple act of noting your anger can help lighten its weight, Dr. Dan Seigel calls this “name it to tame it.” In cultivating awareness of what we are feeling in the moment, we can start to manage how our feelings impact our day-to-day experiences. 

2. Pause, observe, take action.

I’m someone who often would fall into the heat of a moment and forget to take a pause before speaking or acting. Anger can cause knee-jerk reactions that are hurtful and make a difficult situation worse. Instead, practice taking a pause,  stepping away to collect yourself, and recentering yourself. Observe your anger during this time. Why do you feel angry? Is there a boundary you can set? Is there something you need to communicate? Then take action, returning  to the situation to find resolution. Communicate your feelings, set boundaries, and apologize if needed.

3. Let yourself scream.

I got this tip from a healing session, and I’ve found this practice to be very therapeutic. Here is a video I posted on Instagram where I talk about this practice of screaming to process anger.

I hope you enjoy these tips and this week’s episode of the podcast. Remember, anger is an emotion to be felt like any other feeling. Give yourself the space to feel your rage. Through awareness, practicing the pause, feeling your feelings, setting boundaries, and communicating your emotions honestly, you can have a healthy relationship with anger.

Let me know in the comments if you try the practice of screaming out your anger!